Purple
Not sure why I put purple down, but there it is XD. Its kind of strange, normally I have all these different reflections that go on through the day, things I would like to share, things I think that might be fun to open with or dive into or whatever, I mean they are always popping in my head. But today it was like there was not really any particular topic or thought stream that really came out, it was more like an ever present desire to give as much as I possibly could. And not in the sense of presents or like an offering of sorts, but more like, I wish I could show more, I wish I had time to show every single thing that I am. Not because their are any things I particularly am thinking about, but because I just want to keep opening in every way possible, sharing all the parts of me I possibly can in whatever windows I have. Because its like if I could, I would just go on and on diving into every single thought and memory and dream and exploration that I am and have ever been and imagine for all of time into the future. Its strange though, its like a second layer to the feeling of sharing, where forever I have wanted to open it all, and I have been trying to do so in every chance I get, but more on top of that its that I wish I could share enough so that you would know. So that holding the knowing of me would be complete, so that you could have whatever answer you wanted, so that you didnt have to wonder, it wasn’t any asepct that felt scary or unknown or unsure. I just think though, I mean maybe thats it in the same sense, we are all growing and changing and building and sometimes you just feel this thing deep inside that pulls stronger than even my own thoughts, my own beliefs, my own old core that used to run the show. But on a fundamental layer that is the bed of the river of my life and i want my waters to be clear, so my soul can be seen. That I could show the fullest essence of what I am so that you would know. And then the desire I have to do so, its every moment, its like here I am, do with it what you will. Like, it might sound opposite in a way, but like, its like I try to show all the things that I have felt were the reasons that maybe i didnt click with certain people. Like, ok, yeah I believe in intense things sometimes, here is as many as i can think of, yeah I can feel things very deeply, ok here are the things that I feel deeply about, ok I can be scattered in my thinking and reflecting, ok here is how scattered I am, ok I can seem wierd or spacy or strangely motivated or who knows, everything….. and its like I just want to share it all because I want to be the truth of what I am more than anything, so you see and you dont have to question because I just keep showing at all times. Its terrifying at times, but its far more terrifying if i was fake and you cared about that one. To be loved or hated, either way it has to be true and I spend every second to show exactly all of me. Never have I been so exposed, never have I risked so much, never have I given so much, and yet I feel the pull for open more. Its like, if I was aware that I could control the entire universe with the ease of taking a single breath, I would not do a single thing to influence the result I want other than to show more of me. If it turned out that this power made things happen, then I would be destroyed completly because I ruined the real that has become the core of what I am. And even if it was what I want, if it was in any way not what you want, then I would have ruined the most important thread i have ever shared.
IWAY
I guess this one is going a little off the rails, but that is just what has come. You know I think often of what has happened to me over the last couple years. What I have done, what I have gone through, the endless fighting and battling against some of the most terrible things I have ever endured, not in our space, but in the one of the world. Like I spent my whole life building up my understanding, my ability to manage and deal and enjoy whatever the world had brought my way. I studied and reflected and explored every part of myself over and over across the ages of my life to form a place that was in that moment, ok. It was accepted, it was balanced, it was perfect for the space I was in. And then, in one single encounter, everything I built my entire meaning around, suddenly meant nothing at all. And in that I just only felt one thing, one thing I didnt understand, one thing I could explain, one thing I tried and tried to dismantle and form a concept around, but each time it broke the bounds I tried to give it. And it changed my life so utterly completely, I am not even sure anyone could understand because I am not even sure I do, other than being totally aware that here I am in it right now. Its like one day, I spent every second working my way around a challenge, and then the next I dive right into it. One day I look around finding wispers in the wind and then the next I am blinded by the lightning. One day I am terrified to step into the shadow, and the next I call it my home. It’s like I cant even understand what is really happening because I no longer recognize what I even was before. And even that, I try to share, even if it make me sound crazy, even if it is seen as lunacy or madness, I am aware, and I choose to share it anyway. But its not because I particularly care about any of what I have done in my own life, or what I have built or what I have bled countless times over when no one even saw what I was doing, And theres reasons I didnt express it, I didnt want it to be seen as pressure, I didnt want it to be seen as reasons, I didnt want it to heard as claims. But what I did want for it, of it, through it, was to test myself, what can I do, what am I capable of even if I am alone in my purpose, even if I cannot share the challenges, even is I cannot put it on anyone else…… what does it mean to me. I say it means everything, but people say that often. But what happens when I put that to the test with no certainty at all. Would I still step into hell even if no one sees just because I want to know if I am true. Would I give up everything I have built my whole life around even if I have no idea if anyone will ever even know. Would I believe what I feel inside so greatly that it actually means more than all of the universe that used to be, even my own self. Would I stand up against all the demons I effectively navigated my whole life just so I know I could if it was ever needed for what has become the star that guides me. Would I keep walking even when the asks become so great I am not sure I’ll survive. Will I really follow what I believe as the deepest self even when it asks more than anyone even knows. I have died so many times now, and each time I have come back with the same fire at the core. A fire that I am never even sure that anyone else even feels, yet I have given it all, my patterns, my roles, my identiy, my connections, my structures, my methods….. my armor, my weapons, my castle, I destroyed them all so I would be bare when I came into this new world where I dont even know if I will be met, or if anyone even still sees. I have faced every hell I could imagine, and I survived them all. Not because I am powerful, but because I held what is true for me, and here I am still breathing, still going and still burning as I make it past where anyone ever said anyone could even go, and I keep going. Sorry but, holy fuck, no one has any idea what I have gone through, and I would do it again a million times over. Why? Because it is true for me. And so I am here once again, yeah I am terrified, but I also know, I was terrified every step of the way and I made it though every impossible challenge thrown at me and no matter how dark and horrible the nightmare was, the light inside that guided me pulled me through, more capable, more open, more trusting, more honest and more myself than I ever thought possible. Maybe I am mad, but maybe, just maybe I am not wrong, and I bet my entire life on it.
