Popcorn
Someone just said that and I thought thats kind of a funny word, so figured itll be for my title. But really what I was thinking about as I went for my sunset walk was presence. I thought about what it really means, what it really encompasses and not according to definitieion but the depth and meaning behind it. I was thinking about my life and all the things that have happened and how I was feeling on the inside as it did.I think about the different lives i have lived, the diffferent groups i have been around, the different types of people i have met. I think about the adventures that I have gone on in the woods, down along mountain streams, through forests others just look past as inconsequential parts of their environment. I think about how every home I have ever lived, I have found a place to be at peace with the world away from the endless demands of a fear driven world. Even when I think back on them now i smile at each and every one. I know where the salamanders live, i know where the deer sleep, I know where the fish like to hide and where the flowers bloom and when. I know where all the berries are, I know where all the deep pools are, I know where the snakes warm up, just seeing and feeling the experiences of life as I walk around. But what I am thinking more on is my inner space when I am there. The way I feel when I am looking out into the brilliance dance of the world that helps everything function as it does. The parts of the world that might seem like nothing, but are infact the very actions that allow growth and life to bloom. And I think about the deep breath I take when I allow myself to be there, when I allow myself to experience that wonder around me and the ease and comfort that flows through me even though the world around might be screaming chaos and danger. And I think about the real power of presence, the real power of being able to hold yourself no matter if everything and everyone around you is selling some other story. I suppose that is why I can endure all the stages my life have gone through, why I can walk through fires and not care if I am burned, becuase it has no ability to shake my inside whatsoever. Yes, maybe I get distracted, maybe the shiny things look good and the promises they seem to offer seem tantilizing, but then then I look inside and I laugh…..non of that is even close to what it feels like to be at peace within. Not that they are mutually exclusive, obviously I am to bridge the peace from within and offer it to those around me, but it is not dependant on it. Its just, I wish I could share it more.
I was also thinking about the people that tend to cross my path in life and how presence acts in those situations. I think about the space that i carry into my interactions, even when its those I dont even know. Even when its strangers i am meeting for the first time. I think about how important it is for me to clear myself so that I dont bring any more poison into thier worlds. I think about how difficult life is and how so many people out there are harmful and violent and crushing in so many ways and it makes me sad that so many people dont even know what it is like to have anyone even be with them, to listen to them, to hear them at all. I know because I expereince it just the same, it is hard. So I try to be different, i try to bring something different, I try to have a space that allows an opporunity for connection and ease to flow between us, no matter the circumstances. And some days it feels wonderful, some days i hear them say things like, omg thank you for listening to me, I have just been so overwhelmed. Thank you for coming and just talking with me. Thank you for being here, I dunno why but i feel so much clearer now. And honestly, I am not even really sure why, I mean I dont really have scripts or plans or strategies, I just open and allow what I think and feel to come out and I share it and it is just so surprising who is open and ready to hear it, from tiny capacities to larger ones. I dunno, sometimes it kind of feels at the same time like its totally ridiculous. Like its just something I am making up, like its something that really doesnt matter at all to other people, that their games and their clinging and their stories are so much more important then my stupid space or whatever I call it that day. But like ok, so today I went to a store i very rarely go to cause well, dont really like it XD, but its the only one in that particular town. And so i havent been there….6 months maybe? And so I am checking out, and the cashier is trying to catch up as shes swamped and clearly stressed. So i get up there and we are just chatting about whatever and she makes a joke about not being able to scan something, and I make a comment about enjoying the little things in life, and she just starts laughing. then shes like omg i know you, you were here before and talking with me about some other nonsense then too. And I just laugh and go yeah, sounds like me. So she stars laughing and the person behind us starts talking about some other small thing in their day that made them laugh and then I am all ready to leave and they are like, well we hope to see you again soon, always so nice when you come by. And I am all like, huh? So is it nothing, is it nonsense, is it trivial social protocol, what is really even happening. But to me, it was so nice to have that little bubble of just random people laughing and enjoying a little slice of the day without any need for anything other than what was happening.
So you know I am thinking more about this, presence and how it has been playing out in my life much more purposefully over the last couple years and what it means to me. I notice how I started acting like feeling alive, being present, opening myself to those around me makes everything feel so much more connected. But one thing I also noticed, is just how difficult it is for many people to sit with it. Its one thing to weave it into an interaction or an exchange, it gives people something familiar to hold onto while you carry in something more, or different. But then, I think about just how many people can actually just sit with me in that space. How many can feel what I am doing, how many can hear what my soul is singing and actually hold it with me without the dances of life to frame it. And you know, I think about all the different things that people add up as their list of things. And yeah, some sound really cool, exciting, and so on, but I wonder….. I have done all that, I have had and been and experienced so much. Not that I dont see the value in it, but I think how truely wonderful it would be to find someone that can just sit with me quietly, to look out into the expanse of the world around us and just feel what it is like to be alive together, what it ias like to truely be in the world, to feel what it is like to be next to another who desires for nothing more than to sit in that space with you and be alive togather. I suppose that is kind of what gratitude is on the deepest level, not thankful for the outside, but appreciation for the inside that you can share with another. Just rare to ever find anyone that can see my inside, or stand looking into it for very long. If you were to ask me right now what I would want from life, I would answer, to hold someones hand in peace togather. Not as a forever eternity, but as a point in life that reminds us that we are here and we do care about the one beneath all the roles and pretend. My life, honoring the life that is in you. Namaste is often translated in this way I believe. But I wonder how many actually dip into the depth of what that means? I dunno, guess I am just kind of going off on things that I am not even sure anyone cares about. Oh well, never been the same as other people in how i relate to the world and I am just done pretending I am. I choose to be alive in the only way i know how, I have tried all the rest, they suck XD.
