The Skies
So I am just over here cracking up and like wtf at the same time, like ofc the universe is laughing about this. Like real funny guys, you really gonna make it like this arent you. But then again, it would have to be as it is or else it wouldnt be what it is. And I mean, thats exactly the point isnt it? You think I dont see the chips, I dont see the stacks, you think I do not hear the whispers, see the twinkling stars. I look up at the skies and I see it clear as day, this is what it has always been.
Then for whatever is woven into time, I spent my entire day cleaning out and clearing up every single corner of everything around me. And I am talking every single thing of accumulated existence in this spot. Under every surface, in every corner, going through all the paper work, all my past, all my life all in one total, basically uninterrupted day. I am seeing pasts I have not thought about in a long time, i see plans that never completed, futures that morphed into different things, connections that shifted, plans that bounced, memories, challenges, obstacles, all of the things that I have gone through over the last decade or so. I see all of these things, but not from where I was when they were born into existence, but what they are now. I see the challenges I faced for no reason, the growth I had that changed how I thought, the joy I shared that no longer circles my being and I just reflect on what a life is and what I am.
The Pool of Antiquity
So my thoughts are not exactly forming words at the moment, more like they are coming in rushes of experience and ripples of time. I am feeling washed in duality, their are crests and troughs, befores and afters, above and below, certainty and not so, everything drifting through me as the person I was is seen through the person I am. I see ripples of tossed stones and how they still influence the surface of life. I see things drawing in and others drifting out. I see the weaving of the cosmos and hear the whispering of the wind. Every step means away and to, every word is spoken and slience…..I question everything from all angles as I see out into the most transofrmative experience of my existence. Every side has an equal argument, everyone one had logic and emotion and soul, all pulling in different directions at different times and I remain still to let it all move through me.
And then, through all the experiences and lives I have burried in these boxes, all the containers of life that drift by my revealing day, I stumble upon a window of my life in which I was in great reflection and sharing. And I see my past sharing to myself, I see the words I wrote, and I recall the space I was in. I think of the surroundings at the time, the people, the spaces, the patterns of my life and how I thought about them then, and how I think about them now. And I look to who I was and who I am, I feel what I was saying, I fall into the songs that carry through to this day. What is the same, what is different, what is true, what is not true, what did I think, what didnt I think, what did i see and what did I not see and where am I in all of this. What was I capable of and what am I capable of now. Where did I find the light to carry through when all that seemed so real, is nothing but a lingering tale of lives once been. Am I speaking one way, or the opposite, to me, or away from me, am I heard or am I alone. The truth is, I don’t know, and I am not supposed to know. But I didnt know then either, yet I moved. I didnt have it built and yet it carried me forward. The sails that promised to catch the wind fell, the waves that promised to crack the hull calmed, not once did the way things are supposed to be, happen. Yet, I look at the words, the 5 pieces of paper that just happen to fall on the floor as I release so much past. And they cut right to the core of my being, the reason for why I am. I see me instantly and know the stability in what I speak because it is those very things that made the chaos of life harmony. Ofc things would be as they are, and are moving the way they are moving, I have always known. I look at the soul I was, and hear with the soul I am. Do I know? Not sure one ever can. Am I invisible, or will I be seen, does it change anything? Well, I see me, and I see you. Perhap I am alone, perhaps I am not. But I show up, I hold as long as I have to hold and I am more myself than I have ever been. I am not perfect, I am not special, I am not powerful, but I care, and I love with all that I am. And I have never felt the way I do, despite all that has happened. I did not shut down, I did not stop knowing what is imortant to me, what is really important in this world. And I share, all the mess that I am, all the sability I am, all the impossibility I am, all the peace that I am, all of everything I am. I look at the note…. My heart is strong, my will is loves, and my soul is open. So be it universe, its your move, my direction is clear, and now.
