Nature
As I sit here and reflect on events that have come to be I think of a lot of things. I know the standard responses, I know the sculpted and approved feelings, I know the initial reactions and watch the thoughts the spark. I look back at the events of the recent past across every aspect of my life, through every layer of my being, undestanding as best I can with all the parts of myself the intepret what is. I see many that are as clear as day, others that looks like riddles wrapped in fog and mysteries that are not for me to understand. I see how some make sense in one light but in another do not seem to make any sense at all. I was ideas that have contradictory conclusions, even though both are true. I see who is viewing them and the I see who is considering those views. I look at people who have been with me along this latest step in my life and what they have said, how they have shared, what thoughts the offered and the warmth that they gave. And you know, so much of it has been things that people experience in very different ways. Not necessailry in the specifics, but how they react to the meaning of it. I am still even seeing ripples from others when they have shared with me things that they have experienced and just considering it all as a whole. I think a lot about the meaning, the direction, the purpose. I consider the nature of life the patterns of the mind and then instances of pure uniqueness. And then I look around at the life around me, where people are, what they are going through what they might be feeling and holding when no one else seems to notice. I look back at my own phases of life, and what I was like then and what previous versions of me would think, what other times of me would say or do or think. Then I look to hte core behind it all and wonder of what is behind it all, what is it really that drives and moves, what is it really that causes one choice over another at different times, what makes people do the things they do and what makes me do the things I do. I sit with this all for some time considering the wild nature of life and how we all flow through it. And I sit in quiet and stillness, just reflecting on it all when I get a call from someone who needs my help, as they are having a difficult time. And as I drop the space I am in to go help them I think about what makes me do such a thing, what makes me act that way, what makes me make that choice. I am aware of the paths before me and the need for clarity, I am also aware of how the person who I am helping ended up in the postion they are in and what is needed for them to find their way through, so we go. A few hours later they are where they need to be for tonight and I come back to sit again with this experience, and woder to myself what made me say the words I said and what made me act the way I did considering all that is happening. And it makes me think again back to what I was reflecting on in the beginning, now with a fresh example of how I move in the world. And I think to myself, who am I, who really am I under it all. Who am I, sometimes more on the surfae other times more burried in illusions and constructs. Who am I that has always been and who am I that has moved and adapted through life. Who am I as others see, who am I as others tell me, who am I as others see but dont tell me, who am I that others assume and who am I that people see the reality. And I think, Who do I want to be. Not for convincing, not for showing, not for what reflects back, but who, from the deepest core of my soul do I want to express?
Thinking
You know as I am exploring all that I have experienced and all I have gone through I realize something that I have never realized before. This color of life, I have never known in totality as I do now. Its like visiting a place I have never been, yet knowing I am excited to be there. Its like looking around at the wonder of whats around me, the mystery, the unknown, feeling the usual triggers of the mind firing as they do, but something holding my heart still, making me safe when I think I see danger. The contradiction, the opposing ideas, both appearing as they do, certain in their position but, when I reach deep, I know which is true. And I think, oh no, its too late for me to pretend, its to late for me to strucure, its too late for me to angle the reflections. Then I think, how wonderful it is, that its too late, how wonderful it is to be loved or feared as I am. I cant flip it, I cant change it, I cant move backwards and alter what I opened. How could anyone look, I know what they say, I know what they say. But how wonderful that I found a place to be transparent, a place I wanted nothing more than to be all I am and let it be as it is. I had never known me to to be as much me as I have been. I have never experienced the me moving me in ways that the believed me would never do. A whole understanding to life, a life that was made free by you. I do not think I understand, but I know I feel in my soul. If I was different, maybe that was what was needed, but if I am me, maybe that is what is needed. I will never be the same, but I have already forgotten all that was before. When proposed the question, I am delighted it is your eyes that asked. The universe of creation, the dance of a billion stars, the wonder so marvelous, I want to sit and stay, not to grasp, but to be with. Who am I? Who is answering? I never imagined what is now beyond denial. But I do not know what the world does with such things. But I will move with it forever, I can never go back, nor would I ever. Perhaps to drift forever, but worth it to know what true light really is. Not blinding, but guiding what my soul has known was true all along.
