Undiscovered Lands
I have wondered what is was that makes a man cross the ocean without knowing what might be on the other side. I suppose each has their own reason, some to discover, some look fo adventure, some want a story, some just love the sea, you really never know what brings one person along the same path as another. What is that makes some ok with sailing into the mystery while others turn back before they arrive at the docks. I wonder what they think when they are in the middle of the sea, when the look back and see the same as forward, is it fear, is it courage, is it acceptance, is it peace or unease or rather a cycling of it all. I wonder too, if they knew before they left, if they knew the answer, if they had it all laid out would they go, could they go, would it even be what it is if it was known? The mind loves its answers, it searches endlessly for ways to see them, to predict, to guess. But then, even when things are all followed as they should be, all listened to from the most accepted forms of advice it never goes as they claim. I have seen so many lives, lived so many experiences and walked through so many different doors in life and I have noticed this, theres something else at play, something that seems to hold the final say, something impossible to guess, impossible to read, impossible to plan for, yet it pulls the final card and plays it weather you want it or not. You can flip a coin and say heads or tails, and everynoe would agree 50/50… and as it spins in the air we all anticipate one or the other…and then it lands….on its side. The universe existed for billions and billions of years and then one day it landed on its side, and life. Is it not this fact that opens a door for something truely different. Not that what was goes away, but that soemthing wonderful and new happened upon it. The first flower, the first song, the first breath, what are they at the core. By the model, they are not correct, but they are what existence has always moved towards, but why?
Opacity
You know its often hard for me to measure what I am. I know I am not built the same. Some say its wonderful, some say it isnt right, some say they need me to exist, others are afraid that I do. But non of that really locks into the ground, none of that is a handle to climb. I do wish I had a book to share my story, I wish I had a list to offer to check over, wish I could hand over my life and let it be known in all directions. I wish I did not have to use words, I wish I could share the knowing. I wish I could open so much that I could be seen so completely that it could give all the answers. I wish I could do all the dances, show all the picutres, share all the songs that would speak directly to the place that hears. But I can’t be more than I am no matter how much I wish to be everything that makes complete safety. You know, since the moment we crossed paths I have opened so much that it has been terrifying. I have not always been that accepted for who I am, how weird I am, how different I think, how I process and feel. So I learned a long time ago it was much easier to just do what they expect unless theres some very specific reason not to. To just play the game as they want it and keep the real me for those who want to see it, who really want to know and want to share in what I am, thats ok with me, I dont need much, I am pretty happy with myself and those that do want to see me.
Then I met a light in this world that I wanted nothing more than to show everything I am to. That I wanted to open so completely for. The problem was, after a lifetime of so much masking for the sake of othes, I didnt know how to be that open, not to another anyway, not so completely and quickly. No one knew what was in me, what built me, what moved me through life. But the thought of not being seen as real by the only one I had ever wanted to be fully real for was worse than the fear of being exposed. So my entire system had to change, not the dances of life, not the roles, not the stuff we do at the surface, but the very core of what moves me to live. But that meant I could not pretend it, I could not jump back and forth, I could not play it safe or partial or only sometimes, in order to be that open, I had to open to it all. I had to open to everything else in my life so that I would not wall up, so I would not just build a new system, so I would not waver back into the controlling elements that dictates the flow around me, carving out little escapes. Their was no more escape, no one else to blame, no one to hide behind, no one to share the burden, just me and all that I am, walking straight into everything I needed to be fully myself so openly with no option but to feel it all so fully. It was the only way to be open, it was the only way to show who I am, what I am and what I can do in this world. But I did not know how the world would take it, I did not know how it would be taken and I am not even sure if I was seen or if any of it is even remembered at this point. I was good at being invisible, I had my own world and I loved it and those who came to visit me there. But I gave it up so I could be seen by the one who smiled when we met. I guess this isnt prolly helping, I know I am not the same. I have never known me like this and to be this exposed… But I guess I can say this, I didnt mind being too much for people, I didnt mind learning to be mostly invisible, I didnt mind enjoying the world by myself between the random encounters that drifted in an out of my world. But I had to learn to do everything myself. I had to learn to understand my inner world by myself, I had to learn what to hide to make it through the practices of our society. I had to learn how to keep everything moving so I could find my time and my space and my freedom to be myself when the demands of the wolrd have calmed. I learned to take care of myself without ever asking for help, I learned to take on the pain and struggles of others so I knew I could do some good while I was here and I learned a long time ago how to hide my pain. But I knew what was important to me and so I had to learn at the same time how to process that so I would not become a person I did not like, so that I wouldnt become what I see the world do to others. So I handled building lives, I handled creating securty, I took on responsilbity that wasnt mine, I stepped in front of fires because I knew how to burn, I did things that I knew would be hard because they would help others, I would put myself in the front and I would take every hit because I knew I could. I was used to it, I was used to being alone in my struggles and as long as I found meaning in it, I could push through any impossible tasks no matter how alone or betrayed or attacked I would become, as long as it spoke to what I felt was right, I can endure anything. So much so that handling the demands of the world became simple in a sense. I saw it for what it was and because I saw it and expereinced so much I could just handle it, no matter the challenge. Taking on this task, performaing that role, stepping in front of whatever obstacle, really didnt mean too much, chaos is everywhere all the time, it doesnt really phase me. But what happened is my understanding of meaning evolved, my understanding of myself grew, my understanding of the world expanded. I bagan to see what was real for me, what made things actually better, not what they say is better, and my decisions started to change, those I spent time on changed, Where my energy went changed. And so, yes I knew I could handle any role, I knew I could learn extremely qiuckly, I knew I could step into any fire and burn up then be reborn as someone who can live in it if needed. And I learned who it was that needed it for real and who might be just playing some game to stay exactly where they are and I saw where my abilities were most useful. So you might ask, can I help, yes, I can do everything because I have done everything a million times before. Can I face impossible challenges and not waver, yes because I have done so. Can I step into a fire and not just be another person screaming, yes because I am used to fire. Not because I had to do these things for myself, I learned that when I was prolly like 7. But because I learned to do it for those I cared about. I just learned who it actually helps and who it actually hurts by helping. So maybe some other things….. I have taken on simultanously doing all the work and providing everything for people I cared about, while also holding and growing my own passions, while fighting off others fears, while taking on hugely difficult legal tasks, while navigating toxic envornments, while maintaining freedom and peace for anyone who would join me. I have gone up against multiple lawyers at once, by myself and through honesty and transparency got them to conceide and agree what I propose was the best plan. I have gone up against twisted systems and worked my way through so that the door I needed opened for another would be opened, I have managed every responsilbity for a home while also being the one to share my expereinces and lessons so that those who were willing would have more opporunty and growth for their lives. I have walked out on things that others played against me to use fear to keep me in line and I build new ways out. I abandoned securities I had because I learned they were not what they were sold to be, even though the sparkly on the outside was shiney. And then I build something better. I have given up even my own identity to step into and entire new world and in that create opporunity for others. I have dove head first into impossilbity and carved my way out, carrying others as high as they wanted to go as I work my way up. But I am not special, I am not magical, I am not some kind of hero or person to be held up high or any nonsense like that, I just did it because what I have gone through made it so I could. I solve problems, I stand up for truth I believe in and I take care of those that are important to me as long as its good for them for me to do so. I have fought every battle I could imagine and many I couldnt even. So when I get asked what am I, I have such a hard time answering because I have been so much. I had to be, life did not give me an easy path. But every hurt, every challenge, every wound tought me more on how to love, how to support, how to hold through what might break others who have no been as blessed with the resilliance I am. I am wierd, I am different, I am hard to box up, I am not normal. Can I handle life? Yes because I have. Can I tank some job just to make another feel safer, yes because I have, can I step into a space and find my way through, yes because I have many times before, can I handle more than most people can, jobs, tasks, systems, roles, care, hope, futures all at the same time for years and years if I have to, yes because I have. Can I step into a world I know nothing about and help carry the burden of those in it, yes because I have done that as well. Can I do all of this without letting it darken my heart, can I be yelled at, blamed, attacked, and erased but still show up the next day to love and smile and care again and carry again and fight for the very same who might have been scared and lashing the day before, yes because I have before. Can I see past conditions to see the person underneath not matter what waves on the surface, yes because I always do. Can I endure the relentless world completely by myself if I have to for years on end if that is what is needed for those I found truth in, yes because I have done it before. Would I trust myself to take care of those who are important to me, yes because I spent my life building myself to do just that. Am I perfect, not at all, am I someone to brag about, am I all that wonderful, am I someone the world looks at and goes wow, I really dont think so. But I am not here for the world to admire, I am here to be of service to those I love in truth.
