Trench
You know, honestly, it has been quite a ruthless level of challenge that enduring for a very long time, pretty much alone. Not that I really blame it on anything, because its what I chose to walk into, because I found meaning in life that urged me to do so. It has been scary, it has been difficult, it has been riddled with liars and thieves and manipulators and masks of every kind. There have been so many sad things I didnt really see going the way they did, and their have been so many challenges that I never expected that I would ever be put in front of. Just walking day in and day out, carryng the world, trying to lift up others, trying to carve space for good people, trying to make opporunity for those that want it. Then all the struggle and hurt that has come from those who couldnt or wouldnt. And the surprise of those who did, even a little. It just felt like for eternity now I have been a being with 1,00 arms, each pulling and building and holding and protecting and caring and bandaging and organizing and reaching and just so many things in all directions all the time. It’s not really even that any of them individually are all the difficult, escept for when I see others in pain (but thats another point), but the tasks themselves are really not that complicated. It is just the reletntless and non stop flow of things that need me to hold them together. The way I would just take on things to make them easier for others, the way I absorb every hit, every new issue, every trial, every fire, and because I dont want others to be burned, I just walk right in every time. I dont mind burning up, I dont mind taking a hit or fighting an impossible fight. But I do like to know it helps, it makes some difference, it lets someone else reach what they want, see what they are craving to see or step towards what they want to step towards. Its just so hard when you see people take those gifts, those opporunities and those gateways and use them as tools to hurt themsevles or manipulate for greed or make fake promises again and again as they continue to show the reality with their actions. It’s that added extra emotional hurt that makes it all the more difficult. Friends who get lost, old collaborators who get lost in their own patterns and refuse to see any harm in them, as their worlds are filled with pain, people who are looking for chance but cant help but let fear pull them back as soon as the real chnce emmerges. And then, I sit there just trying more and more every day as I feel it draining on me, feel it pulling things, see how I am keeping it together but at the same time, wondering where the meaning in it is most days. And then on top of that just knowing that I wanted meaning, I wanted truth, I wanted what is real and now I feel it in days like today. Day where I am so drained, days where I solved all the obstacles after days of issues, solved all the problems, got everyone feeling better and ok and progressed and then its like I go back to my space and I just sit with myself. And in sitting with myself I almost feel it lost, I almost feel like where even am I, and if I can find the moment, the stillness, the whisper of peace deep inside, I recall why I am the way I am. But what that really means, I am not sure in the outwardly sense. I have never been here before despite living 1000 lives, I have never been faced with these challenges before, I have never been asked to believe as much as I am now, I have never been asked to asked to have as much strength as I am now and I have never been so worried that I cannot do any of it, as I am now. But here I am, and I walk forward anyway, because if I am the one that can, then I will be the one that is.
Together
You know, I am just sitting here thinking how wonderful it would be to just sit with someone. No performance, no need to say or do anything in particular, no demands, no needs, no whats next or past this or whatever else the mind can try to demand. But to just sit knowing the person with me cares for me and they know i care for them. We dont have to say, we dont have to show, we dont have to convince, but just feeling it with every deep core, that I am happier I am with them and that they are here safe with me. To be able to just be being me and have them just being them, like not even needing to act as if we are interacting in the normal sense, even though I’d imagine we’d want to be closer. Like I am thinking right now of the expanses of that feeling into other things. Like seeing them when your on the way to get a glass of water and they might not even know your there, but you pause just a moment to feel in love, to feel the warmth they are, to feel the special way you both seem to flow, even when your focus might be on whatever life brings. Like the moment you see the eyes of one you love, nothing else exists in the normal sense becuase its all different because they see you and you see them. Just, how nice would it be to feel that peace, that love, that apreciation, not because you have to put into a show, but because its real, its there and you are it, as much as your expriencing it. Like a breath you have wanted to take your whole life.
