Uhhh Which Mind?
So I am just over here cracking, after I was over here feeling the world was ending, after being over here knowing my full prupose, after not knowing what I was doing, after being a professional whatever I am, after talking to my cat…… and yeah, thats like 3 hours XD. And the funny part, is most of the time I am multiple of them at once, just holding so many different experiences in a single moment, shifting based on which I look at. Now of course I pull back and look at them all and laugh at myself for being the way I am, but sometimes it can be so exhausting XD. This is why it always crack me up when someone asks me about my day, like uhhhhhhhhh which part of me are you asking? The fearful one says it was horrible and I am doing everything wrong and I mess everything up and I am dumb for trying and holding out for things that are impossiblites. The one of connection sees the light breaking through all those fears, sees me holding everything together, sees the way I carry through it all and make those around me experience life a tiny bit better because of the genuine care and kindness I give them even in the simplest moments. The social one….well hes asleep a lot XD. Then the limiting one comes in and tells me to dial it down, then the expansive ones ocmes in and tells me to be what I am and ngaf, then the conditioned one says im doing everything wrong, then the soul one says im doing everything right, then the human one comes in and says you cant do this anymore it hurt, your too vulnerable, your too exposed, your trying to hard, your fighting for nothing, no one cares and you haveto protect yourself by falling in line and hiding, then the spirit one says but you are already dead by hiding, you tried it every way possible, repeating it isnt going to make that change, then……. yeah theirs a lot of them….. wanna ask me again how my day went? How long you got XD. And then ofc at the end, I just laugh like a mad person and I love it, whatever, I dont care, I am nuts. And you know why I laugh, because no matter what nagle (haha nagle is a funny word, im leavin it) I take, the answer is always the same, presence and awarenes, of the reality inside me and the reality of those outside. You see, if i hold the truth I know, not what the fear tells me, not what the mind tells me in its patterns, but what the space reveals between, then I learn to trust myself and that awareness and if I cultivate it then it is the best guide I have for whatever situation comes up beofre me, because I know who I am and I know what is important to me, despite what everyone says they think it is, matters not….. hold presence, hold awarenes and trust myself to make the right choices no matter what. Being alive is a scary thing, but pretending you can hide from the fears is a foolish game that will waste your life chasing illusions for fantasy futures when life itself is in front of you right now.
Hmmm
Hahahaha omg I am just thinking about my friends, we are all such wierdos XD. Its like the universe has always brought a certain type of people into my life, or maybe its just that we recognize something in one another that makes an instant understanding. Now of course, some come and some go and some stay and some drift and come back and some I may never see again, but omg I love all the crazy people I have been so lucky to have in my life. I am just thinking of a few right now. I have one who never sleeps, like never, and its so crazy. Now I have been an insomniac at times, guessing trauma response, but this friend is just, I have no idea. 4 hours of sleep in like 3 days, and I am all like, how you not more insane and ofc, they are like…. I am. Then I had another who was a super freaking genius, I have never met anyone so smart in my entire life. Perfect grades, perfect test scores, perfect college exams and what do they do, just sit around hacking computers and chilling on his back porch talking about how so many people act like children with aboslutely no self awareness at all. Then I have another friend who who scares old people because they can never tell if they are a boy or a girl and they like it that way hahaha then I know one that that told me they had a spiritual awakening to where they can no longer pretend the game and ego mean anything anymore and all the do is call me and ask me crazy life questions. I am always like, I dunno why your asking me, I could just be a crazy person you know….. but they are like, but you make sense, sure whatever, I enjoy the convos anyway XD. Then I know another who claims they have no feelings whatsoever, really? Then why you get mad at things, such a grump XD and they get so mad at me, and then two seconds later are like whatsup? I am not really sure why I really get so much enjoyment out of all the wierdos I know, but its….. they are alive, they are unique they are different in ways that make them so interesting. And I am really grateful that the world seems to bring us togather. Yeah, it does leave me alone often, but its ok most times, I like the stillness. Just wish I could share it all.
Hmmm… again
So I got a sandwhich today and was really hungry and wanted so bad to eat it, but unfortnately I had like a million appointments because I been stacking them so I could have more days doing nothing lol. And it was so funny, I kept looking at this stupid sandwhich as I drive from one place to the next. I am all like mayyyybe if I drive down this back road and speed down the metal bridge I can find five minutes, then I get distracted singing some song to myself and nope no sandwhich. Then I finally find a moment to eat and I park out in the middle of nowhere and I realize I totally forgot someone else XD pack it up and run again hahaha. Then I am finally on my way home and I totally almot went and got another one because I forgot I didnt eat the first one. Hahaha my memory is so wierd. If you are important to me I could think about every single moment I have spent with you, the touch, the smell, the air, the tone, the sparkles….. yet, I not even sure I know what day of the week it is lol. But I guess I never cared much about time anyway. It meaning, not display that dirves my core. Who even knows what I am talking about at the moment, you know I had an entirely different thing I wanted to share, and then my mood shifted and whatever it was just drifted out of existence in my mind. Yet there are some things that never leave me no matter what is going on in my life.
Did I ever mention, prolly did… I love singing this song XD
