The sky is back
So I was out walking last night after a long winter and I was just thinking about the holarious and seeming impossibility of myself and my life as it plays out. And amidst this reflection I was watching the stars. And right in the center of my vision, I see a brilliantly bright green shooting star. It was so bright and so big and so green I almost could not believe it was real, but there it was, right in front of me without any other explenation. I wondered to myself if anyone else had seen it, if it was shared or just a beautiful display of rarity that I was just lucky enough to see. And after such a long time being coupoed up inside, ohhhh it was so nice to see the universe play with me hahaha.
Its just kind of crazy how thse things always seem to be hapening these days. My life has always been a little nuts, my story a bit more chaotic than most, but since something changed in me, something made me see the world and myself in a way I could have never imagined, the spirit of life has been showing me so much. The animals, the stars, the clouds, the friends, the people, all these things have been changing and morphing into a life I could never have planned or imagined. I still haven o idea what is happening at all, I still haven o idea what it means or the purpose of it all, but I have never been so clear on what I am supposed to be holding and doing. Its both terrifying and alive, its full of uncertainty and clarity, tis like everything flipped….like every story i have ever been told now reveals itslef to me in whole new ways that totally change my perspective. Its like the things that are only meant to be soft whispers, now speak directly to me, not to assure me of futures, but te remind me of who I am and that I am lucky enough to be able to see, and walk forward in fear even if theres nothing that typically assures present. And every day the universe reponds with more and more wonderful and amazing things that seem to just open possibiity that was never there before. Like it has all been waiting for me to say yes my whole life, and now that I have, the the world is bending to make room for what it wants me to be. So wierd.
People
I have been in the middle of a lot of storms lately. A lot of people around me going through difficult things, people I care about deeply. And while many of them kind of know me as somewhat, unique I guess we can say XD, they all seem to know somethine else about me. For whatever reason, when things get too hard, when things are too overwhelming, when their old strategies and coping tools all fall apart, the turn to me as the one who does not get thrown off, no matter the circumstance. They come and share all of their fears and worries and what has got them feeling so alone. And something, I am not even sure what tbh, about how i handle it, how i open for them, how I let them be what they are…. it helps. How can you be so calm, how can you make me laugh when this is so hard, how can you share with me about this but not get lost in the fear of it, why is it so easy to share with you, how did you get me to see differently… just some of the things I hear often. And I have no idea, lol, not anything I think I have done. Even my older brother was laughing while saying, how on earth did you become the most stable one of us all. XD, jerk hahaha. But I think thats just it. Whoever I am, and have always been has brought me through so many stories, so many lives, so many places where choas and difficulty was all around to the point where deep pains, fears and chaos do not move me from my center. I have been through so much and recognized so much that I do not get caught up in the reactive patterns of uncertainty and depth. I still feel it, I still experience it, I still know it sucks, but I also know that even the biggest storm does not last, even the most chaotic shifts make way for life to create again. And when people show me their pain, show me their worry….. they see that, they feel that…..on some level, I know it will be ok, ther are things at play that we cannot see yet, that no matter how tragic, their is something weaving through the threads that are supposed to be. And its not that i know what it is, but its that hold the fear and pain, and still laugh as I walk through it at the same time.
Its really interesting to see how different people take on these challenges, how some deny, some pretend, some hide, some fall apart, all of them beautiful in their own way. What happens to people when their worlds shake…. what do they turn to, where do they go. And I think of how many times I have failed, how many impossible challenges I have come across and faced head on, how much has gone on around me that others would lose their minds over if they had to endure even a second. And I think of how it used to make me feel….how lost I was, how confused I was about the world and the universe and the things I see in it. And how none of things that were “supposed” to work did. And I feel it, I see it now, I breath it…it was not meant to break me, it was not meant to hurt me, it was not meant to pull me into despair, it was to make me who I am. To make me the one that people know as the one who wont judge them as the one who can hold them as they crumble to nothing, the one who can laugh at tragiedy and cry with a moment later. No perfomance, no “supposed”, no demand of what I need them to be, just a person to feel safe with no matter the space they are in and what they have been told about it. And thats the funniest part to me, I am just being myself, and I am trusting that is all I have to be. I have no idea what is going to happen, I have no idea what crazy impossiblities are going to be thrown at me next…..but I do know one thing, I have made it through a million before, and the stars……the skies……the universe keeps winking….keep going…..and I say Yes…..and the wonder and marvel of life continues to unfold brilliantly. Even if it blows sometimes XD
